Fragment: Replay for Insomnia

At bed time I’d chosen a light, familiar book. I’d been watching the second season of Criminal Minds and Val McDermid’s The Mermaids Singing, though interesting, could not help me relax. The kids were having a “camp out” in their den. We’d brushed our teeth, put on our pajamas, and as far as I knew hadn’t brought in any bugs when my daughter had opened up the door to call in her cat.

It had been a trying day. I’d been up before six. A light book was what I wanted now. No more TV shows or books about murder and mayhem. Not just before bed on a day like today. I brought out a worn copy of Anne McCaffrey’s Crystal Singer and started to settle into bed. After a while my eyes started to close. I put the book down, opened face on the other side of the bed, turned off the light, and curled into a fluffy pillow. I drifted off even more.

I could hear the theme song of the TV show in my mind. I thought about the crash earlier that day. I turned over. I didn’t want to think of the crash. Instead I tried to think about the story I’d been contemplating, looking at the flaws in logic, plot, or character. Rewinding the story tape like I did every night.

Criminal Minds theme song.
Rewind story.
Ideas started to go dark.
Crash!

I was awake again. But not so much to turn on the light and pick up my book.

I closed my eyes.
And saw the crash.

I felt that, “Aw Shit!” moment of realizing I wasn’t going to make it, just before I’d heard the crunch of metal and plastic. I took a breath and heard the theme song of Criminal Minds again. I thought, “I watch those DVDs too much.”

I punched my pillow, saw the crash again. Then heard the theme song.

I didn’t see the truck—Huge, brightly colored—just the trailer and the crunch. Theme song. I groaned. I didn’t want to see that. And I was tired of the music.

Crunch. Theme song. I thought the song choice was not very ironic or pertinent. It had just been an accident, a relatively minor fender bender, not a crime where one needed to study a criminal’s mind. I flipped over. Trailer! Gasp. Damn! Theme song.

I sat up and turned on the light. I pulled the book over. I read for a bit till my eyes started to close. I reached up to turn off the light and curled back into the pillow. Seeing the trailer. “I’m not going to make it!” Theme song. Crash. Theme song. Damn.

I’d been at a T intersection. Seeing the crash again, the moment of impact, I realized then I’d been turning right onto the admittedly narrow two lane road. It was reasonable for me to expect that anyone coming from the opposite direction would not be a problem. They would have their own lane. But it was a big truck.

“Damn! I’m not going to make it!” I’d thought, knowing I’d cleared the truck. But not the trailer. Criminal Minds theme song.

Crunch.
Song.
My poor little car.
Crash! Song. Repeat. Replay. Again. Finally, sleep.

An insect crawled on my thigh. I flew up in a sitting position. Damn. I looked and looked, wondering if it was one of those stray, black ants, or maybe a spider. My house wasn’t coated in anti bug chemicals, but there weren’t that many that came into the house. One was noticeable, especially if it touched my skin. I looked and looked and could not see anything.

I curled back to sleep with the light on, but finally felt too sleepy for light. I turned it off.

Gasp. Trying to hit the break fast enough. “Oh No!” Theme song. Crash. Song.

I picked up the book again. I read till my eyes got dry. I turned off the light.

I could see the crash again. The reasonableness of a right turn. Song. Aw Shit. I’m not going to make it. Song. Trailer. Song. Crunch of the left side of my front bumper. TV Show Theme song. Crash. Over and over. Till I finally fell asleep.

I heard the buzz of a fly over my ear, and gasped, sitting up.

“No!” I thought. “I don’t want to see the crash again.”

I closed my eyes again, and then thought, “Damn. I’m not going to make it.”